I feel like your writing often finds me at *just* the right time, and this piece is no different. I've also been thinking a lot about a big life vs. a small life, and whether one might seem better from the outside, while the other might actually provide me more peace. (This Gemini moon also really relates to the push and pull between the two.) Though I remain (off and on, and begrudgingly) on social media, I've found that my closest friends from college and my 20s are not really present there, and a long phone call once a year, a single miss you text, can do so much more to maintain a connection than someone liking my Instagram stories ever will. It feels less important that these people know the intricacies of my life than to understand we both think of each other and care, and will make time when we're able. I've also had to undergo some tough lessons about the people I interact with the most (in terms of that 'we'), even socially in person, and how they can sometimes disappear when you are in dire need of support. Always lovely to read your thoughts Vanessa!
I've been a longtime reader of yours, but this piece resonated so precisely with me, in both the literal senses (I'm a married lesbian in my 30s wondering whether to buy the house we rent) but also more generally, as a recovering academic who once dreamed of being a child prodigy (embarrassing). The question about big life and small life--the knowledge that a love of small life is maturing, while still grieving the big life we had or imagined--I feel that in my bones. Thanks for sharing.
Been noticing similar changes in myself, as I've just bought a house and am doing different work than I thought I would, and yet feel more satisfied than I have in years and I think sometimes following our path takes us in unexpected directions, and different things work at different times in our lives. I've moved around since I was 16 and now I'm settling in to a place I hope to be for years to come. I needed to explore when I was younger and I need to deepen connection and contributions now.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I am also (gay) married and embarking on the path of home ownership with my wife. I feel like my life is actually quite big and full right now, despite having been a nomad academic in my 20s, living a life that seemed bigger from the outside. But now my life is so full of deep, personal connections with people and communities and landscapes and neighborhoods. I feel more grounded and more alive in my queerness and my Jewishness than I ever have. I prioritize community and connection over intellectual gains or career accolades or other achievements and my life feels so much more expansive as a result. I think there are so many ways to live in a way that feels good and right-sized. I appreciated reading about yours!
coincidentally, i was just thinking of you today (a friend brought up autostraddle) - i think of you often, and hope you're doing well, now that i don't see you on instagram, and so it is always a delight to find your newsletter in my inbox. 🖤🖤🖤
Thank you for writing and sharing this, Vanessa. A beautifully written piece, as always, and I love how thoughtful and reflective this is. I especially love what you say about noticing your own recurring obsessions ("I used to joke that any Vanessa Friedman essay included Portland, friendship as North Star, some amount of glitter, and a fisting scene" is an absolutely golden sentence) and the recurring theme of questioning what we owe each other, and how we connect. I too used to share a lot online, and am prioritising offline connection more lately. There is a lot of richness in that shift, and I'm grateful for it, but there is loss too, and this piece felt like something of a permission slip to notice and grieve that. Thank you! 💖
I feel like your writing often finds me at *just* the right time, and this piece is no different. I've also been thinking a lot about a big life vs. a small life, and whether one might seem better from the outside, while the other might actually provide me more peace. (This Gemini moon also really relates to the push and pull between the two.) Though I remain (off and on, and begrudgingly) on social media, I've found that my closest friends from college and my 20s are not really present there, and a long phone call once a year, a single miss you text, can do so much more to maintain a connection than someone liking my Instagram stories ever will. It feels less important that these people know the intricacies of my life than to understand we both think of each other and care, and will make time when we're able. I've also had to undergo some tough lessons about the people I interact with the most (in terms of that 'we'), even socially in person, and how they can sometimes disappear when you are in dire need of support. Always lovely to read your thoughts Vanessa!
Size doesn’t matter. It’s what you do with it that counts.
Hi Vanessa,
I've been a longtime reader of yours, but this piece resonated so precisely with me, in both the literal senses (I'm a married lesbian in my 30s wondering whether to buy the house we rent) but also more generally, as a recovering academic who once dreamed of being a child prodigy (embarrassing). The question about big life and small life--the knowledge that a love of small life is maturing, while still grieving the big life we had or imagined--I feel that in my bones. Thanks for sharing.
Been noticing similar changes in myself, as I've just bought a house and am doing different work than I thought I would, and yet feel more satisfied than I have in years and I think sometimes following our path takes us in unexpected directions, and different things work at different times in our lives. I've moved around since I was 16 and now I'm settling in to a place I hope to be for years to come. I needed to explore when I was younger and I need to deepen connection and contributions now.
love ya, miss ya 💖
Thank you so much for sharing this! I am also (gay) married and embarking on the path of home ownership with my wife. I feel like my life is actually quite big and full right now, despite having been a nomad academic in my 20s, living a life that seemed bigger from the outside. But now my life is so full of deep, personal connections with people and communities and landscapes and neighborhoods. I feel more grounded and more alive in my queerness and my Jewishness than I ever have. I prioritize community and connection over intellectual gains or career accolades or other achievements and my life feels so much more expansive as a result. I think there are so many ways to live in a way that feels good and right-sized. I appreciated reading about yours!
coincidentally, i was just thinking of you today (a friend brought up autostraddle) - i think of you often, and hope you're doing well, now that i don't see you on instagram, and so it is always a delight to find your newsletter in my inbox. 🖤🖤🖤
Thank you for writing and sharing this, Vanessa. A beautifully written piece, as always, and I love how thoughtful and reflective this is. I especially love what you say about noticing your own recurring obsessions ("I used to joke that any Vanessa Friedman essay included Portland, friendship as North Star, some amount of glitter, and a fisting scene" is an absolutely golden sentence) and the recurring theme of questioning what we owe each other, and how we connect. I too used to share a lot online, and am prioritising offline connection more lately. There is a lot of richness in that shift, and I'm grateful for it, but there is loss too, and this piece felt like something of a permission slip to notice and grieve that. Thank you! 💖
Oh my god it was so good to read your writing again! Thank you 💖
I always get excited to see a “hey babe” note in my inbox. Thank you, Vanessa. This hits home for me.